Boundaries and self-care are important if we want to prioritise our mental health and needs. But is it really self-care if implementing these concepts leaves us with little to no compassion for others?
Imagine a conversation between two friends that goes like this. The first question is framed gently, an invitation for a discussion that two people might be facing. The channel for communication remains open between the two.
The reply on the other hand, is a stark contrast – it seems like a one-sided, final statement that uses psychological jargons, or psychobabble, to create a barrier instead of a boundary, swiftly shutting down any scope for further discussion or negotiation. Heck, it doesn’t even answer the original question!
This is “therapy speak” — a kind of prescriptive, clinical language employed to describe psychological concepts and behaviours in daily life — and it can be found everywhere on the internet, right from X (formerly Twitter) to Bumble.
The widespread popularity of “therapy speak” stems mostly from renewed self-awareness of our generation that sees complex concepts like “self-care” and “boundary-setting” propping up in normal conversation and being reduced to simplistic, one-dimensional lifestyle choices. The idea of relying on this kind of vocabulary is to advocate for ourselves especially when we encounter a situation, emotion, or even a relationship that no longer serves us.
But more often than not, this specific language does a disservice to its intended purpose. Take for example, the idea of boundaries. Setting a boundary actually involves a back-and-forth: it includes talking about the expectations that one friend has that might be taxing for the other friend. When this becomes public knowledge, the idea then is that both friends come to an agreement on the ways they could alter the expectations from their relationship in a way that serves both of them. In fact, this is what all of us learn to do in therapy.
But when the concept of boundary is taken out of context, setting a boundary stops involving any back-and-forth, becoming simply yet another buzzword that is exploited by people who would rather avoid conflict and more importantly, straight-forward communication. And that’s exactly what is happening all around us, which I’d argue is making all of us even more selfish than we can fathom.
It’s difficult to see “therapy speak” as an act of self-care when tough conversations in all relationships, whether romantic or platonic, are being replaced by impersonal statements rife with psychology keywords found on the internet.
Using therapy speak to break up with someone feels the same as asking ChatGPT to dump someone — the result is devoid of any genuine emotion or feeling. Not only is it a mechanical way to process any kind of feelings but it also does absolve the person using therapy speak of any kind of blame or accountability. As any of us can vouch, the success of any kind of long term relationship between two adults demands compassion — therapy speak, in more ways than one, shuts the door on it.
What often gets forgotten is that not everyone is up-to-date with the facets of therapy speak and when we dump these technical terms on such people, we risk alienating them by choosing to not indulge in a back-and-forth.
In that sense, the prevalence of the usage of therapy speak, sits at odds with the practice of therapy itself. Therapy is never meant to be an individualistic process. In reality, therapists deal with their clients in relation to the people around them, equipping them with coping mechanisms that promote mutual and healthy communication using everyday language.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying that it isn’t important to prioritise our own mental health, set boundaries and advocate for our own needs when the needs of others can overwhelm you.
Just that, at times when we only put emphasis on protecting ourselves, we can become so self-centred that we overlook the fact that there is a human being on the other side of our boundary-setting.
That person deserves our compassion as much as we deserve our own. It doesn’t need to be one or the other. Maybe the need of the hour is to find a way to protect ourselves in a way that isn’t harmful to everyone else.
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